On the bad days, I see Miss E as defiant, angry, uncooperative, whiney and snappy.
On the good days, I see her as independent, fun, empathetic, smart, focused, creative and kind.
On the bad days, I see Mr. T as unfocused, whiney, pestering, overly sensitive and un-empathetic.
On the good days, I see Mr. T sweet, fun, imaginative, kind and loving.
On the bad days, I feel my parenting is not so great. That we have done something wrong along the way, that I'm not handling things right and that maybe I'm not as good at this as I thought I was. Maybe Peter's screwing up the kids. Maybe I am. I don't know what is the right way to handle issues that come up. I feel frustration, anger, short-tempered and exasperated.
On the good days, I feel like I'm a pretty good parent. I love my kiddos and they love us and they are both thriving. I am attentive to their needs without hovering and overall, I've not only got this whole thing handled but I'm doing it pretty well. I feel happy, confident, content, and loving.
Fortunately, overall, there are many many more good days than bad days. Some days I only have a bad day with one kid and not the other. This last week or so, there have been several bad days and I don't know what is wrong. I've guessed that the transition to summer and the lack of schedule is throwing everyone off. That they need more activities and independence or that they need less activities or independence. I just don't know. I know that right before Miss E masters a new skill (like reading chapter books) we go through a short period of behavior difficulties before everything smoothes out. I think her brain is so focused on learning the new thing that it's hard to remember the mundane day-to-day of socially acceptable behavior. But seriously people, the way it's been going I fully expect her to start spouting out some calculous tomorrow. Like I said, I don't know what's going on. I'm not even sure how to handle it but I've been doing my best to stay calm and firm and see the good and rise above the battles because the minute she senses a power struggle of any form, she's immediately like "Oh yeah, you want to fight, well it's on beeeaaaatch*". And sometimes we have to engage in a power struggle but mostly I try to avoid them (without letting her have free reign of the house) because it's exhausting and in the end, a huge fight is not good for any of us.
Like I said, fortunantly there are many more good days than bad days.
But it's exhausting. Especially doing it alone. Although, in some ways it's easier to deal with alone so I guess that's a wash.
*Not really. But kind of.
I think the fact that you think about these things, that you love so much that you allow self-doubt to seep in so that you can be a better parent, shows that you are doing the best you can. The best from a loving momma is always good enough =) I hope there are many more good days and many fewer bad days in your future!
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