Sunday, January 23, 2011
Every morning, after I start breakfast for the kids, I throw on some shoes and a sweater and head outside to get the paper. These trees are pretty much the first thing I see. I could only get these few in the picture, but there are a bunch, all in a row, making the air clean for me. These trees are tall. Really tall. In the very bottom of the picture you can see the roof of the house that's across the street from us. They are also very beautiful. It is a peaceful moment of the day for me. My first real breath of fresh air, the street is still and it is quiet. This morning there was a beautiful fog hanging over everything. It's a lovely way to start the day.
And then I ended up having one of "those" days. Honestly, most days I feel pretty good about my "togetherness". Our house is passably clean, I'm a pretty good mom, my kids are great, our schedule is managed, I don't forget which days I am to volunteer and who needs three oranges or a silly hat for school that day. Then there are days like today where I doubt it all.
I yell at my kids too much
My house has dog hair all over it
The meal plan is not done for the week
I am not an understanding wife
My mirrors need to be cleaned
My shoes need to be polished
The kids only got crackers and cheese in their snack bags
I don't play with my kids enough
My hair looks frumpy
I should eat more vegetables
My kids need to eat more vegetables
I should be scheduling more playdates
I haven't called my friends in a long time
In short, the pervasive feeling that nothing is being done properly and that I am not doing good enough at any of my responsibilities - mother, wife, home-keeper, employee, friend, sister. Everything seems hard and muddled and I doubt that I am doing any of it well.
Fortunately, these days are few and far between and getting farther all the time as I get older and both better at handling things and more kind to myself. I really think that in the end, the best we can do is the best we can do and our kids, spouses, employers and homes will have to take our best effort and appreciate it. Days like this also remind me to be very kind to others, especially other moms, because although some of them are very good at making this look easy, I know that it is not always the case.
The beautiful thing is tomorrow morning I will step out my front door, look at those trees, take another deep breath of fresh air, have a moment of quiet and start over again. And it will be good.